December 2011
14 posts
“No, you’re NOT going out like that. Your feathers all ruffled and beak covered in that nasty lipstick, and that excuse for a skirt. You look like one of those street-corner dirty chickens. Go back upstairs and put something decent on. You live under my coop, you behave and you dress like a good chicken! This is hard-boiled love, you know.”
or click here I guess that makes STM...
“I’m not just id, ego, superego. I’m id, ego, super-mega-fucking-awesome-ego!”
or click here Good to hear that STM’s sense of self-worth is still healthy and thriving!
“Tick, fucking tock, fucking tick, fucking tock, fucking boing. Fucking alarm clock. Bollocks.”
or click here I think we’ve all felt this way on one of those early mornings.
“Well, don’t YOU look like the icing on a fuck cake.”
or click here And that lovely compliment was followed by one of Adam’s delightful dead-of-night awakenings: or click here
STM: Gusset FUCK! ADAM: I said nothing, and we’re not discussing it. KAREN: (sluring sleepily) What was the first part? ADAM: Goodnight. KAREN: ‘Kay. ADAM: I didn’t say...
“Hey, boobs! Stop staring at my face!”
or click here If any of you guys out there feel that you simply must sport this stamped across your chest, check out the shirt shops later today!
“Hey! This is MY playground. These are MY swings. That’s MY climbing pyramid. And that’s MY springy elephant! THAT’S MY SPRINGY ELEPHANT! You crusty knob-end. Bog off! Leave this playground to the king of playtime! … Mmmm, they’re all mine…. I need a push. (whining pathetically) I can’t swing without a push. PUSH ME! Where is everyone? Bastards....
“You like chest hair? Oh, I’ve got chest hair. I’m a walking fucking love rug. Yeah.”
or click here That’s true, actually. Adam is, in fact, a walking love rug.
“Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhannukah, suckers! Yeahhhhhh.”
or click here Thanks for reminding me, STM!
“Oi! Oi! Stay out of my poop, Magneto. You’ve been warned.”
or click here And the reveal… or click here
ADAM: Magneto’s from the X-Men. Why am I telling an X-man to stay out of my poop? KAREN: I don’t know. Well, what’s his power? ADAM: He can do all things. KAREN: He can do all things? ADAM: He can do everything. KAREN: Why, is he the bad guy?...
“Pith helmet, check. Baby wipes, check. Small box, check. Let’s go midget smuggling! YAY!”
or click here And Adam’s thoughtful analysis: or click here
KAREN: So… Where do the baby wipes fit in? ADAM: Okay: pith helmet makes sense; small box, yeah I can see why; baby wipes… maybe to keep them clean and fresh for when he delivers them on the other side, no?...
“You’re exactly the type of person I’d throw a cake at. Swiftly followed by a brick. And then an elk.”
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“Your head’s so shiny. So freakishly shiny. It’s too bright! Only go out at night with a head so shiny.”
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“This little tampon went out, this little tampon stayed home. This little tampon had an applicator, this little tampon had none. This little tampon’s covered in… poop. WRONG HOLE, PEOPLE! Wrong hole.”
or click here Wow. This one definitely deserves a post all to itself.
“It’s okay. I’m just gonna use my hands as hats for your boobies.”
or click here Oh, thanks for that. And here is how Adam woke himself up. Note: In the US, fanny is mild slang for ass. In the UK, fanny is mild slang for vagina. or click here
STM: Fanny. Fanny fanny… FANNY BATTER!! KAREN: … What did you say? ADAM: Something “batter”. KAREN:...
“There’s so much bread! Gluten everywhere! Oh, the challah, the challah.”
or click here If you’ve never seen Apocalypse Now, that one’s probably lost on you. And for those not in the Jewish know, challah is a scrumptious super-eggy braided bread.
“Two window licks and a rubber brick, please. Yeah, spring cleaning’s a chore.”
or click here About...
“There’s nothing more depraved than watching muppet porn. Too fuzzy!”
or click here Adam said that one while I was away in the States for Thanksgiving. It came out the night that my family went out to see the new Muppet movie. It was AMAZING, and I can confirm (spoiler alert) that there was no muppet porn.
“A long long time ago, right up until the minute you were born,...
“Quick! Everybody lock your doors! Squirrelantula is on the loose again! And this time he means business. GET THE GIANT BROOM!”
or click here Lord, does that ever call for a cartoon!
“Mmmmm, meringue. Meringue-a-dang-a-ding-dong! Mmmm, yumness….”
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“…chop chop chop chop chop chopop chop chop… Cock-a-doodle wank job!”
or...
November 2011
18 posts
Sorry we lost a couple of days there, guys. I was flying back from the States Sunday, and our internet went down yesterday. But now I’m back at home with my sleep talkin’ man, and we’re back on track!“Kiss you? I’d rather use my mouth to plug the hole that’s left when someone’s asshole falls out.”
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“You’re not responsible...
“No, you cannot substitute a chicken for a guide dog. Have you seen a chicken cross the road?!”
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“Don’t wash the cat with the cheese! Heed my warnings, stay safe. Leave the cheese for the porcupine.”
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HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MY FELLOW AMERICANS!
Here is how STM decided to kick off the holiday season:“You’re as wanted as a paperclip. A sad, lonely, broken paperclip. And not one of those fancy colored ones, either.”
or click here Aw. What a depressing sentiment for this festive day. I also found another set of wacky sound effects: or click here And finally,
“I perspire...
“Stop! Just stop… breathing. Yeah, that’ll be good.”
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“I like to lick socks. But only after dinner. Mmmmm, warm socks.”
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__________ Merch reminder: Hey guys! Tomorrow is the last day for those promos in the shirt shops! Details in the right column, link to shops in the left column.
“Stop that! Never use a jellyfish for a shower cap. The tentacles are all soapy!”
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“That’s right. TGIF, mother-fucker: thank god I’m fabulous.”
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“The great nature/nurture debate: Did we learn to hate you, or were we all born with that gift?”
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“This is my friend Lumpy. Lumpy, say hello. I’m sorry, Lumpy’s shy. Lumpy, say hello! (sigh) He’s a bit crap. Come on, Lumpy, we can go to the sweet shop.”
or click here
__________ Merch News: Two MORE promos from the shirt shop! Here they...
“The world will rue the day that I gave Superman explosive diarrhea! (evil chuckle)”
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“The pear and the parsnip had a race. To be honest, I couldn’t give a toss who won, I was just fascinated to watch. Look at those little legs. Run parsnip, run!”
or click here STM’s being a bit disingenuous here. He is clearly rooting for the parsnip.
“I have feelings for you… The kind of feelings that hide under the bed and scare the living shit out of you.”
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“Put the croissant down. Your fancy pastry ways aren’t welcome here.”
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“Your family, or a zombie horde. Choose carefully.”
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“Hey! Stop shouting at the starfish. It’s not its fault it can’t grow chilies. Leave him alone. Tell you what, you should check out his aubergines. Mighty impressive!”
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“I swear, your vagina needs a use-by date. Stinky snatch.”
or click here Adam wants me to tell you all that he has never used the word “snatch” to reference female genitalia in his (waking) life.
“Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Bada bada bada bada bada bada....
“There’s pudding in the sock drawer, and waffles galore, so make yourself at home. No, I said the sock drawer, damnit, the sock— ohhhh. There’s tapioca everywhere.”
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“I didn’t have an accident. It was a physical miscommunication. Now wash my pants, bitch!”
or click here And the dramatic awakening: or click here
STM: (a few satisfied...
“‘Unique’ and ‘special’ are the two words I’d use to describe you. That is, if I’m not allowed to use ‘cunt’ and ‘bag’.”
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“Here’s what we do: We wrestle back control from the pirate gerbils, and the seas will be ours! That’s right, you nasty little sea fluffies… Shit, they’re stashing the treasure in their cheeks! Come on! Time for some plundering!”
or click here
“Smashed it? Of course I smashed it. I’m a serial soul-smashing mother-fucker. Smashed it, what a knob.”...
“I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s me. We’re just in different places. I’m here, and you’re… polluting my fucking life like some oily anal discharge.”
or click here Way to let her down easy, STM.
“I can do it. I can! I can do it. Oh…Oh… I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t! I can’t, and it’s all your fault. It’s all your fucking fault, you gangrenous dollop of menstrual discharge. Fuck off!”
or click here Ugh. Another lovely image, care of STM.
“FYI: I vibrate when I see cats and apples. Never take me to the kitty orchard....
“I’m sorry, but not knowing what a horcrux is is a deal-breaker to me. Deal with it, muggle-fucker.”
or click here I’m so glad that that Harry Potter movie marathon we had this summer paid off. I’ve just got to get “Deal with it, muggle-fucker” onto merch. It’ll be in the shops later today.
“It’s a turd. I wrapped it, and put a ribbon on it, and I’m giving it to you. See? I give a shit.”
or click here Last night was the first time this season that the heater kicked on overnight. STM decided to harmonize along with it: or click here And then, the dramatic awakening: or click here
“The fruit flies have escaped! Hide your plums! Satsumas flee! FLEE! Oh, this is gonna be total fruitocide. Fuck you, avocado, you’re on your own.”
or click here I should mention here that Adam is allergic to avocado and that, to hide his sorrow, he pretends that avocado are undesirable. This next one came out as I was peeing in our en suite bathroom
“Disco diva! Dancing...
October 2011
26 posts
“Stupid vodka-shooting cat!”
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“I hate bubbles. Oh sure they’re nice and pretty to begin with. But then the rainbow colors just go POP! Instant downer. Mother fucking bubbles.”
or click here And here we are in the dead of night, after Adam has awakened from sleep talking. I’m trying to explain to him how amazing it is that STM waited to talk...
“Thank you for dinner. Now if I ever say that something tastes like the anal evacuation of the recently deceased, I’ll have a frame of reference.”
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“Watermelon? What the fuck?! My fucking cantaloupe, mother fucker.”
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“I don’t break hearts. No. I DESTROY THEM. I’m the Death Star of break-ups.”
or click here And then… or click here
STM: Don’t put those in my face. Get those away from my face. Get them away! Noooooo… TOES! KAREN: … Did you say “toes” or “toast”? ADAM: (face buried in the pillows) Toes. KAREN: Was someone putting their...
“This is a friendly rock. Let me rub it on your face lightly. Yeah. Now it’s got your scent, it’ll like you. Let me show you: Stand there, and I’m gonna throw the rock at you. Watch how it wants to connect with you, time and again.”
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“It’s a cricket bat, dumb-arse! Jesus, dick-shit, a cricket bat. Game of the kings!”
or click...
“Don’t do it. Don’t make me come over there and piss in your shoes again. You know you don’t like it.”
or click here Well, who would?
“I know I shouldn’t have, but, I got you a t-shirt. I got it for you in large and, just in case, in holy-shit-you’re-fat size.”
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“You’re one weeping snatch away from being a complete fucking bitch.”
or click here Am I the only one who was confused on this one? Adam had to point out to me that, for this to make sense, STM must be talking to a man. Oh, okay. Now I get it.
(all sing-song) “Who’s a cutie? Who’s a cutie cutie cutie cutie cutie… You are! You’ve got your coat on,...
“Where’s the nail polish remover? It’s time to clean your eyeballs. Need the liquid! Mmm-hmmm. And a scouring brush. Yeah. Get into all those hard-to-reach places.”
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“I’m the best thing to happen to you since you discovered masturbation.”
or click here Wow. That WOULD be tough to beat. And then we had one of those repeats, in which STM apparently feels he didn’t make himself clear the first time. Listen to this:
“Don’t you dare interrupt me. You can interrupt me when I’m fucking goddamn finished!”
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“Seriously, could you be any more annoying? Oh. Oh yes, you could. You could be your mother.”
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“Get up! You gotta get up. We’ve got some watching to do. Mmm-hmmm. So get up, and make me food! I need food to watch. Gimme some watching food. Mmmm. Watching food.”
or click here What could he be watching? And, what would make good watching food? Any...
“Oh, you’ve done it now. You’ve pushed me too far. I’m gonna bring out the attack gerbil and sit back and watch him tear you a new fuckin’ asshole. Come on, gerbil, attack! Stop sitting there cleaning yourself looking cute, you fucker, and KILL! KILL!! Damn it. Stupid twitchy nose little thing. Arrrgh. I have to give up this killer-training-for-gerbil thing. Maybe I...
“Watching you dance does remind me of a dyspraxic ice-skating octopus I once had.”
or click here And then, Adam’s delightful awakening: or click here
STM: EJACULATE! KAREN: Do you know what you just said? ADAM: … Jacket? KAREN: No. I don’t think so. ADAM: I have a horrible feeling that I saw something horrible before I woke up. KAREN: What? ADAM: I don’t...
“You know, the world will be a much better place when we get to eat vegetarians. Furthermore, you get your five-a-day with one of those.”
or click here Just before we went to sleep, we were Skyping with my friend Jenny, who signed off the conversation by saying, “Don’t say anything mean about vegetarians tonight!” I guess this is STM’s way of expressing what...
“Don’t stand so close to me. You’ve even got my asshole dry-heaving. Move away.”
or click here Ugh. I apologize for posting this.
“OOH! Oh, that’s interesting. The back of your head is really interesting. No, no, let me keep looking at the back of your head. That’s it, yeah. Now, if you walk away as well, it’s incredible. Yeah. Keep walking. Fantastic!”
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“I’m gonna need about five more arms, three eyes, and an eighth more brain. Yeah. And then I’ll be a one-man X-Box ninja fighting army! Bring it on, bitches!”
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“Oh, jeez. You’re so pathetic, you’re permanently halfway towards pity sex.”
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“Oh no. It looks like we’ve got one of those Play-Doh homicides. Poor little fellow never stood a chance against THE MALLET. Call in the clear-up team, this one’s a little messy.”
or click here We do play with Play-Doh every so often, and Adam likes to make creatures of various ilks. Here’s one of his creations. This guy looks too cool to have been the victim.
“Ugh! Moses in a mosh pit, your breath stinks! Have you been sucking out my dog’s anal gland? Pheeeeeeewww-eeee!”
or click here For those who, like us, have a doggie with an anal-gland issue, you can begin to imagine the horror of what that would taste like. Also, I WILL find a way to use “Moses in a mosh pit” as an exclamation today.
“Sequins: A bag full of...
“That’s not a goody bag! That’s a fucking old shite bag. Fucking plastic toy. Oooh, balloons. You can’t give that shit away without expecting a kick in the nuts, now give me a fucking goody bag and make it full of goody!”
or click here This was from Saturday night. Adam’s daughter had gone to a birthday party that day, from which she returned with what I...